Finding me

Before rona, I  literally had not posted a blog post in a few years. It’s not that I had not been writing. I actually had a ton of drafts saved.  However, every time I wanted to post I would think about it so much that I would put myself off. I would literally get bored of my content. I guess you are your worst critic right?

Perhaps it’s what’s happened in between, that has not allowed me the courage to put myself out there again. What has happened in-between you say? Well… finding myself. There have been many self realisation moments where I really do question my purpose in life.

Last year I got baptised and it was the most liberating feeling I could ever have felt. I needed to be freed from myself essentially. Sometimes we put so much strain on being other peoples version of perfect and life is not like that. One of my cousins posted on her facebook about how your prime begins in your 30’s. I understood that to mean your 20’s are a transition from your childhood to adulthood, thus when you get to your 30’s you have a sense of what is best for you based on your experience. This transition allows you to become accountable and really grasp the true meaning of consequences. I cannot say that’s accurate for every one but I can 100% agree with that notion.

The in-between

In my teenage years to early 20’s I was pursuing a music career . I was doing what it was that made me happy. Then the trolls came. The old school mates who would absolutely slaughter me for being true to myself. I often found myself seeking comfort from the people in my music circle as I did not feel my family understood what I was going through. I later came to realise that my family had always and will always be there for me. My love for music was put on hold and that’s when life happened.

For the longest time I actually would unconsciously be angry with people and quite critical of the lifestyle that they lived. As if I had a perfect life. Far from it. I had brought myself to the same level as the people who had tried to knock me down. That saying of ‘hurt people hurt people’, is so true. Even whilst writing this, there’s a tiny part of me which doesn’t want to because I feel that people will either judge me for being so vulnerable or privately call me to ask me to take the post down. At this point in my life IDGAF.

I changed a lot about myself in that teenage to twenties season. From dressing more “street” to wearing make up that I just did not vibe with. Sometimes we seek acceptance because we just want to belong. For the longest time I did not understand why people would come in and out of my life. My early 20’s self, would blame me for literally feeling. Being. For example, someone would offend me and I would react because I did not like it, then would be labeled “sensitive”. Because of this I suppressed my feeling because of the fear of being different. I did not give up as I always felt that my being on earth was not a coincidence. Surely my consciousness brings some value to this universe. Even if it’s of 0.0000000000000000000000000000001 (you get it), of significance.

Wake up

There came a season of what felt like someone had applied pressure to an open wound. I was not where I felt I should be by 25. But by who’s standards? The world as our parents and everyone before that knew it had completely changed (Technologically, financially and physically).  It was as though there was no antidote to the feeling of inadequacy. It was like running an endless race. You would turn the page and be faced with blank paper. “What the hell was I supposed to do”. So much confusion clouded my intuition. I had neglected my ‘higher self’ which I now believe has been my intuition this whole time. Every ‘mistake’ or thing that went wrong was literally my fault. I began to take accountability for these things. You cannot do the same thing, going around in circles expecting different results. This is a recipe for madness.

My taking accountability gave me the power that I needed to wake up. This longing continued, and a friend gave me a book called  “The Power of Now”. My friend told me that if I did not understand what this book was saying, I was not ready for change. I was like what is this dude talking about. For about a year I did not understand the book. My friend was right I was not ready for change. I then began listening the the audio version every night. Then something had happened. My mindset had changed. I understood, that my experiences, good and bad had allowed me to become more ‘mature’.

Like a catalyst, I started to filter out anything that did not serve my ‘Now’. I took a step back to reflect on what I truly wanted out of life. What were my finances and how could I level up? How could I earn more money? How could I be happier? How could I live in my purpose? How could I get closer to God?

I really do thank God for my journey. It has not been in vain. I am now unapologetically me. I  understand that, I physically cannot change someone’s opinion of me and that is fine. I am only in control of my own emotions. My level of I don’t care is soo high these days because I realise that we are all on a different and separate journey. We all gain something from meeting different people. There will be people that you have known for the majority of your life and there will be people who will be temporary. That doesn’t mean they are bad people. We all go through different phases in our lives and I believe living in ones truth is the beginning of the journey to your purpose.

XOXO